[Forest][Gil'dae Cheb] The time has come, the Walrus said... (Pre-Veil & GF'd)

[Karo Sa'Nepenthes]

Timestamp: Brightening 8 of Autumn, Era XIII PF. Midmorning.

Karo di Thandos sa'Nepenthes en'Celerrond was not, he reflected to himself, very good at waiting.

In fact, he rather loathed it. Perhaps it was an old conditioned response to life as a soldier, some subconsciously immortalized remnant of the infinite tension and horrible worries and seeming premonitions that could strike in the minutes or hours after the maneuvering was completed but before the arrows started to fly.

And yet, waiting was precisely what he had been doing for the past months. Waiting for his jealousy to die. Waiting for his conscience to stop tormenting him. Waiting for a sign, be it religious, intuitive or otherwise, that it was time. None of these things had happened, not entirely, and put simply Karo was sick of it. He was tired of hating himself, tired of trying to keep everything under control and destroying innocent inanimate objects when he failed, tired of taking his ugly moods out on Jan, who had only ever given Karo far more kindness than he had ever deserved, and who put his formidable talents to work to help the young Celerrond out and help him stay sane. Tired of feeling isolated and friendless, tired of constantly brooding, drowning in the midst of a vast black sea from which he could find no land nor boat. Tired of being separated, both mentally and physically, from one of his best and only friends, one of the few rare people who could not only understand him but could also squirm through the cracks in his protective walls to become close enough that he could let down his guard entirely and feel safe rather than vulnerable.

Tired of being separated from someone whom -- although he had tried, not of his own volition, to kill her -- he still considered a dear friend. Whom, despite his best efforts, he still loved. Whom, he had now realized, he always would, regardless of the misery it might cause him.

Karo had never been good at waiting. It was time, whether the universe liked it or not.

And so it was that Karo came to the decision he was currently acting upon. Late enough in the day that he could be sure Calairiel would be awake but not so late that it would interfere with her Pracenda, Karo walked over to Starshadow Keep. When he was stopped by the inevitable guards near the entrance, the elf bowed politely.

"Serale," he said softly, holding out his hands and indicating his belt, empty even of a simple belt knife, to show he was unarmed. It was quite literally the first time in eras that Karo had absolutely no sharpened steel secreted somewhere about his person. Ordinarily, he would have been wearing at least two daggers and one of his swords, but this was a unique situation and Karo felt it would be most important to be unarmed when he finally met with Calairiel.

"I have come to inquire as to whether the Arwen Gil'dae will consent to see me in private, for we have many things to discuss. I would ideally like to speak with her alone, but given... certain regrettable events which are still painful for me to think upon, I will quite understand if she wishes to have bodyguards, and I will happily welcome any number of them she likes. The only request I have is that she meet with me without the Heru Mynendil present, at least for now. There are matters between Arwen Calairiel and myself that do not concern him, and I would beg her indulgence on that one point above all others. Not because I feel I deserve it, but rather because I know the kindess of her heart is such that she wishes to spare me pain, even after the terrible things I have done."

Bowing once more, deeper than before, Karo took a deep breath, steeling himself for what was almost certainly to come, and waited as patiently as an impatient elf could wait to hear Cala's decision.

[Calairiel Mynendil Gil'dae]

Calairiel was in the middle of playing with the children in the nursery when Anton found her to inform her of Karo’s arrival and his requests. Frowning softly, she knew that they had unfinished business but frankly, everything had kept her too busy to confront their issues. As well, she thought it best that Karo come to her when he was ready.

It seemed that the time had come.

She gave each of the children kisses before rising, smiling at Jodi'I and leaving them in her care. The walk down the hallway provided her with ample time to think about the situation.

Obviously, Karo had been under the influence of the Syl’ger when he had tried to kill her, but still…it didn’t seem as though he had fought very hard against it. She had managed to fend him off but it had taken everything she knew to do so.

Till that point, she had trusted Karo, but now?

She didn’t know. –Something- was wrong between them and more then anything, she just wanted to figure out what.

Having instructed Anton to escort Karo into the foyer to wait, Calairiel took her time descending the stairwell, clad in sapphire and silver…but bare feet. She never seemed to wear shoes inside for they seemed to be unnatural, preferring the feel of the floor beneath her feet. Once she turned to corner and began gliding down the last part of the stairwell, she caught sight of Karo and put on her bravest face.

"Karo…a pleasure to see you. Please come in and make yourself comfortable. Anton, I’ll be fine..Don’t worry. "

Anton obviously thought differently about the situation but nodded his head and departed the immediate area, although Calairiel knew better. He’d be close by if she needed him…but she hoped that wouldn’t be the case.

[Karo Sa'Nepenthes]

Following Anton into the foyer, Karo suddenly felt a rising tide of panic. Why had he been so foolish as to come here? He wasn't ready, there were too many things he was not sure he was ready to admit, too many unforgiveable things for which he nonetheless planned to ask forgiveness.

Just as he was about to stand, she was there. Truly a vision was the Arwen Gil'dae, especially after he had gone so long without seeing her. It occured to Karo that such thoughts were likely to get him in trouble with himself and others both, but he had equally decided that he didn't care. At least not right now.

A small smile crept across his lips, almost in spite of himself. His errand was far too serious and he still felt far too terrible to open up and smile at her like he had before. He felt it would be inappropriate, as if he had never done anything wrong, much less the horrible things he had.

Too, there was the obvious coolness in Calairiel's greeting. Honestly, Karo felt that she was being far more generous than he deserved, and she was certainly being kinder than he had half-expected. Yet even so, the memory of what he had done -- and the obvious strain it had put on their relationship -- made the Elementalist wince inside, and the fact that it was his own fault frustrated and wounded him near to tears.

As it was, he fell back on tricks that he knew Cala would see through. He used what he privately thought of as his politician's mask, the careful expression that could show as much or as little as he wished. Carefully keeping all emotion aside from a small, tentative but friendly smile off of his face, though, was much harder than usual due to the extreme nature of Karo's feelings. She knew him well enough that she could often see what he was thinking even when he was totally in control of himself, and with the intensity of the emotions swimming behind his eyes, he could hardly hope that she would not see what was written there. Hope. Shame. Guilt. A tinge of fear, perhaps. And something else, something very mysterious and hard to define.

As Cala neared the bottom of the stairs and greeted him, the young elven lord stood. "I cannot tell you, Calairiel, how grateful I am that you would accept me as a guest. I --" Shaking his head helplessly, he realized he had no idea how to start.

Karo took a deep breath before trying again. "I cannot imagine how hard it was for you to trust me, even enough to allow me into your home. Especially after..." The Elf's voice trailed off again, and his deep, steadying breath had an audible quaver. "I do not think you can know what it means to me that you agreed to see me. There is much I wish to tell you, if you have the kindness to hear, but first things must come first."

Squaring his shoulders, Karo walked closer to Cala until he was directly in front of her, some ten feet away. Karo looked into Cala's eyes boldly, no longer the doubt-filled mess he had been just moments before. He chose to ignore the uncomfortable prickly feeling -- whether it was real or only in his head -- that told him he had at least one arrow aimed directly between his shoulderblades despite what Cala had told Anton. Karo took a final deep breath, not at all unsteady this time, and did what he did best.

He spoke plainly.

"Calairiel, I can't do this any more. I can't keep waiting for some sign from somewhere telling me what I should do. I have been terrified, these months, that I may have ruined the greatest friendship I have. I have missed you more than I can say, your smile, your jokes, and simply your friendly company. Every time I think of what I have done, what I may have lost, it sears me to the bone, and yet I cannot stop thinking of it."

"I am more sorry than --" he began, before trailing off once more and shaking his head. "No. I can't even say it. There are no words in any language I know that can express my shame and my remorse. I may not have been in control of my actions when I fought you that day, but I hold myself no less accountable."

"To be entirely honest, I am not totally sure why I have come here today." Karo held his arms out slightly to his sides, partially bent, in a gesture of helplessness, almost supplication. "I know some of my reasons, but I think at least as much as I know is hidden, even from myself. I come here with no real plan, no expectations. All I know is that I couldn't wait any longer, that I needed to be doing something. I had to see you, to hear what you must wish to say and perhaps to try to say a few things myself."

Karo slowly knelt on the floor of the foyer, bowing his head. When he looked up again, his piercing green eyes sought Cala's silvery ones once more. Only this time, Karo's eyes were completely unguarded, as few had ever seen them, and it was obvious that he felt himself to be on extremely shaky ground. Further proof that the tall elf was utterly lost could readily be seen in the oddly formal way he spoke next. "Calairiel, I have done... unforgivable things. I cannot ask your forgiveness, for I do not feel that I deserve it. But I would like the opportunity to at least explain, if I can, what happened that horrible day, and why I did what I did."

[Calairiel Mynendil Gil'dae]

OOC: Sorry for the shortness!

Calairiel watched Karo emotionally implode in front of her, which while fascinating for some was harder for the young Arwen of Syl’osya. He was her friend, no matter what had happened…and it was obvious that he was torn apart at what had transpired.

What was a girl to do?

Any lesser a women then Calairiel probably would have left the room and asked him to leave after hearing his words…but Calairiel hadn’t been raised to be cold. No…that wasn’t her. Instead, she reached her hand over to his and squeezed it softly.

“There is nothing to be sorry for. It is I that should be apologizing for putting you through this. I was hurt by the events of that day and blamed you for your actions when I shouldn’t have. I never meant to be cruel but it seems that I have been. Can -you- ever forgive me? There is so much to catch up on, and most you probably won’t believe.”

She hoped he would have the heart to forgive her…and she knew him well enough to know that he would.

[Karo Sa'Nepenthes]

When Karo had thrown himself upon Cala's mercy, it was true that he had not expected outright rejection. He and Calairiel had been far too close for that, and Cala was the sort who would at the very least be civil towards him, even if she had come to privately loathe him for what he had done.

While he had not been sure exactly what he did expect from Cala this brightening, it had most definitely not been this. After he had not only betrayed her, but actively attacked her and even wounded her, after he had turned his back on everything the two of them had shared, all the trials and obstacles they had worked through together, after he had taken a prized friendship and trampled it in the dust, she was asking for his forgiveness? Such generosity and kindness was not only absolutely unexpected, it was utterly unimaginable.

Karo's mind reeled.

"Forgive --" he started, so shocked he could barely even finish the word, much less a coherent sentence. "But --" Shaking his head and trying to get a grip on his shock, Karo stared dumbly for a moment at the hand wrapped around his own, and for a moment he did nothing at all, tears running down his cheeks -- whether they were from surprise, joy, grief, or some other emotion, not even Karo knew, for he was completely unaware of them.

Taking a breath, Karo looked up at Cala and tried again. "Cala... There is nothing for me to forgive. I was the one who betrayed you, who attacked you, who let my feelings be twisted and turned towards evil. Why should you not blame me for what I did? I know that I do, and I will, until the day I die. You are many, many things, Calairiel Gil'dae, but cruel has never been one of them. I did not come to you before now because I knew that being near you would remind me of what I did, and I was not ready to bear my shame and my guilt and my regret."

A weak but real smile tentatively crossed Karo's face, as if unsure it had any right to be there and might be chased away any moment. "I fear, therefore, Cala, that I cannot forgive you," he said in a slightly more confident tone, almost a return to their usual banter but still with the unprecedented vulnerability and honesty that had marked his voice since he had arrived. "There can be no forgiveness where there has been no wrong. You have done nothing to me, Cala, except be far more generous towards me than I feel I deserve. What could I possibly forgive? Your kindness? Your generosity of heart? Your courage and loyalty and intelligence and strength? The only sins done that day were mine."

[Calairiel Mynendil Gil'dae]

Calairiel smiled and rose from her seat, dragging Karo with her.

“It’s settled then. No one has anything to be sorry for. Excellent. So now it’s time to catch up…starting with a little surprise that might catch you a bit off-guard.”

The dragging continued…up the long winding staircase and down the hall a bit until they reached a set of large wood doors. Pushing them open a bit, she moved over so that Karo could see into the room.

The first thing he noticed was the noise. Squeals, screams, cries, laughter…all mixed together. A couple of older elves rushed about, chasing after what Karo finally identified as….

…children?

Well, there were at least a few of those.

Two babies seemed to be present, playing happily in their cribs. Another set of children, toddlers, were responsible for the chasing game. There was as well one older little girl who seemed to be trying to help the caretakers contain the rambunctious two-some.

Calairel simply leaned against the door and smiled, waiting for Karo’s reaction…which was going to be…entertaining.

She knew Karo -all- too well.