Old July 13, 2010, 01:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Aggro-batics

Summer Era XVII

"I'm tired o' bein' shot at," Hazudar muttered under his breath, kero juice dribbling from his chin, his bloodshot eyes blazing a dull, misanthropic rust-red.

The Nexus was in one of its continual noonday lulls, most of the anarchist punks sprawled out on tabletops, no one speaking, certainly no one listening to Hazudar. The orc didn't seem to care. He was jabbering at a wall, his stare unblinking, a pile of used paraphanelia heaped on the table in front of him.

"Tired o' bein' chased by da militia. They always tryna hold an orc DOWN. It's like, I'm an artist, y'know? A martial artist. Dis world? Pfft. Dis world ain't nothin' to a greenskin once he get his mindset on da rulez o' da game den his understandin' be on a whole 'nother level. Deez cockamamie good guys can't touch dis, dey can't even SEE me. I float like a Raamavoite, sting like a Xet."

"What in the feth are you even saying, Haz?" one drunken Nexian whose sobriety was nonetheless far in excess of Haz's demanded.

"I'm sayin'... I'm sayin'..." the orc stuttered and slurred, eyes going all glassy and distant for a moment as he tried to sift whatever dubious gems existed within his churning cranial slop heap. "I'm sayin'... it's time ter do some aggrobatics trainin'."

"Acrowhatsis? But--" The Nexian started blinking rapidly, too stupefacted to fully realize the impending danger.

"Ya'll think dis is a TAVERN?" Hazudar roared, shoving out from behind the table. "Dis is MY WORLD. Yew punks an' yer stinkin' anarchist committee fer liquor distribution can take yer fethin' points o' order an' shove 'em, cuz I'm Super Hazudar an' I can FLY!" Those tavern-goers who were still conscious looked around at the fiercely/flamboyantly posing brute in mild irritation... but they hadn't seen nothing yet.

"HALF-ORC HANDSPRING!" the half-orc declared, dashing at Robarthes' table as the barkeep stared back at him in uncomprehending horror. Fangs bared in a snarl, Haz's claws cut the air in Ataa-like chopping motions for that extra bit of aerodynamism as his massive bulk lunged forward, bare feet splashing in the floodwater/vomit concoction, every inch of muscle down to his stubby lil toes pushing and straining for speed.

In mid-run, and still bellowing wordless, frothing rage, the orc stiffened his body and threw his weight forward, claws aiming for the floor even as his legs began to arc overhead. Haz's elbows and knees were somewhat bent as his palms made impact; then, powerful arms pushed off the submerged floor even as squat legs kicked out, the orc's whole body uncoiling and releasing its pent up energy like a spring... a giant, greenskinned spring of death.

"NOOOooooo --" Robarthes began, face panic stricken, rising half out of his seat and frantically slicing both arms like a ref in a Joga Bonito game declaring that it was NO GOOD! And yet his pleas went unheeded. Hazudar was already in the air, his massive table-stomping feet leading as his body arched forwards with all the power those ape-like arms could muster.

It would've gone off perfect -- really! -- except that instead of landing ON the table like he'd planned, Haz landed THROUGH it with a great, splintering crash. Losing what little balance he had as his feet jolted against the floor, Haz sprawled forward into Robarthes, his stunted forehead smashing into the hapless barkeep's nose with a merry sounding crack.

"HathudaaaaaAAAAAAWWW!" Robarthes growled murderously as he gripped his broken nob. The orc, lying face first in the ankle-deep water, began to burble an apology, but it was too late. The entire tavern had had enough of Hazudar's antics and, as one, moved to grab the brute by the arms and eject him from the place.

Yet the madness was only just beginning.

OOCbasic acrobatics. but open to anyone as usual =p
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Old July 13, 2010, 09:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Later that brightening: Noon. The suns hung low in the sky, close enough to sear. They were the lidless eyes of the gods, burningly intent, focused solely on this, this moment, this eternity, a clash both sublime and barbaric, of lofty ideals and mortal combat, to which all the gods of Telath must bear witness.

"El Viatre," spake the champion of all things high and fair. In his bearing was the rigidity and sureness of tradition, every moment practiced and purposeful. He brought the blade up from his side, as if to lay a kiss along its straight, unforgiving edge, then swept it down, level with a man's heart. His hair a wreath of gold, a flushed and bountiful smile gracing his lips, a healthy pallor rouged with the full blossoming of youth, divine, Aetherial. Perfection.

"Fist of Ogrim!" declared the nemesis -- standard bearer of the wretched, imperfection embodied. He was both captivating and repugnant to behold: a hulking, badly formed, malodorous creature with yellowed fangs and skin the shade of ill and rotting things. His movements were the foretelling of a disaster; a twisting, onward rushing typhoon in all its terrible glory. He jerked his machete up under his leering eyes, hiding the drool-strung grin that emerged there.

Many had come to watch the duel. Many voices were raised in support of this or another cause, but all for bloodshed. Many eyes watched with silent avarice. A hundred fascinated hearts beat softly in tandem.

Time did not freeze, nor even slow. It happened in a confused, brutal rush -- the space between a gasp and an exhalation -- amid the carnal feeding frenzy of the crowd and the gritty mix of city life and decay, over the rush of the waves breaking on shore, the endless rhythm of what is and what was, advancing and receding.

They charged, and Hazudar sprawled forward face-first into a somersault, tucking his head in close, rolling with his momentum and transferring the shock of impact smoothly from his free arm to shoulders to back. He ended in a crouch, the champion's blade whiffing harmlessly over his shoulder in the moment before Hazudar drove his own upward, inward, deep under the ribcage.

"Hazudar Somersault," the orc declared quietly, somberly, as he wrapped his free arm around the standing, coughing, trembling corpse and -- with a sudden jerk -- opened his guts.
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Old July 14, 2010, 01:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
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"So why's he doing it?"

"Who cares? Question is how LONG is he going to do it? Maybe he'll break the Federation record; that'd show those handstanding show-offs over in Ieffreon!"

"But a foreigner can't be champion of our Polis! How would we Secyclid men look then?!"

"I heard he's pissed over the gods Poxing all those orcs down in Sheria, and this here is his way of protesting!"

"Nay, tis a sort of self-flagellation, an attempt to atone for the many sins of his race."

"Probably just forgot how to stand up using his feet. Big aphron lout."

Fethin' islanders. Punks all acted like they never seen a half-an-orc acrobat in pirate get up before.

Growling, Hazudar gave a grimace that, inverted by spatial circumstance, appeared a big, friendly grin and did little to scare off the crowd of spectators pointing, woolgathering and lollygagging about him in a semi circle.

The Green Phenome was, at present, executing a somewhat wobbly handstand, and had been for what seemed an interminable period. Fortunately, if there was one thing the burly, top heavy, freakishly long armed body of an orc was adept at executing -- other than y'know, people -- it was handstands.

There had been practice involved, of course. Handsprings were one thing, but maintaining an upside down upright stance on just two claws? That required concentration. Skill. Or enough kero pumping through your system to numb the shock of the two-dozen-odd pratfalls it took to teach one instinctive balance.

After toppling over lamely a couple times, the orcish acrobat had begun taking just the right amount of spring out his handspring, effecting a halt in mid arc, legs swinging gently and smoothly upwards as his claws flattened against the ground for purchase. A few more embarrassing spills, and he'd learned to shift his entire weight with subtle little motions of hand muscle, slight straightenings and bendings of the waist, knees, all the way down (up!) to the his tucked-together feet. A neverending series of slight tensings and adjustments, and he could maintain the handstand beyond a minute... two...

And now it was past five.

"I AIN'T UPSIDE DOWN! YEW ALL ARE!" Hazudar roared triumphantly at last, spittle spraying into his own bulging eyes and loosely hanging hair. "Yer whole world's gone topsy turvy, ya scared conventional boring little pissants! Suck on DAT while yer watchin' me acrobatize!"
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Old July 15, 2010, 01:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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By noon, Kenkuroi was still sprawled on top that cozy bed of his one room one balcony apartment, lying spread-eagled in a face down position, obscenely naked saved for his undies, drool staining one side of the pillow, while the snoring continued indefinitely. Such was the youth's usual messed up sleeping schedule -- Unless of course he got into another one of those 'accidents' of falling asleep out of his pad like what happened that Ulyris when he found himself somewhere on the streets of Toichos Kikkimos instead, just outside Oscan's Academy. Alcohol and drugs has a funny way of making you do that, but the point is; stone pavements were neither cozy nor were street people quiet.

That saying, the bed he was currently sleeping on wasn't even a bed in fact, it was just a sleeping bag with heaps of extra rags of used and tattered clothing, thus turning it into some sort of bastardized version of a cheap mattress. Good enough to get the night owl dozing waaaaay past the sun's prime horizontal mark, if only someone wasn't banging on his door!

"Whaa-huaaargh...?" a very groggy half elf half asked, half yawned when he finally decided to answer the door after it went on banging for like, 5 minutes or so.

"Ya darn turd O an ORK ee outta control!!" screeched a very angry Robarthes clutching what looks like a broken nose.

****

Less than a candlemark later, Ken was down on the streets, decently wearing clothes sloppily dressed as it was, and wearing his usual grumpy look with the obligatory cigarette.... actually more grumpy this time as he wasn't known to be a morning person, or given the time now, a noon person, and given the fact his beauty sleep had been so rudely interrupted all thanks to that green menace of a housemate!

"Hazudar!! Where the feth are you!" he yelled as he searched around the streets looking for a certain green person.

How do you find a green orc on the Red Island?

Easy! You follow the trail of destruction, or if for some unknown reason there isn't any, you follow your ears. Haz had vocal chords with the decibel of a fething Vuvuzela.

True dat.

Ken found his orc at last, caught red handed making a fool of himself. Didn't the orc realized how he looked like? All big, large, and brawny trying to do something agile, nimble and deft like acrobatics? It was like trying to watch Chris Benoit on roids doing a Diving Headbutt.... which come to think of it, that's pretty cool!

"The feth you doing orc?" came Ken's harsh deep voice, not really fitting the elf-like owner with the youthful features.

"Stop embarrassing yourself! Your kind ain't suited to do handsprings, somersaults and whatevahs. Why the sudden urge to turn all elfy?" the half elf taunted, amused and totally belittling Haz's race as not being graceful enough to do things like that, when compared to the stereotyped elves and their natural supple, lithe and slender builds, perfect for acrobatix indeed.
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Old July 20, 2010, 01:36 PM   #5 (permalink)
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"Gaah!" Hazudar shouted, crashing down onto his back like the walls of Jericho before Ken's voice, which was, in the orc's mind at least, several octaves lower than it had any right to be. Must've come from smoking all those Adelphis... Ken's vocal chords sounded like they should've belonged to a scarred, ripped hitman from Imperia; not some bratty wimpy half-elf with a penchant for clothes shopping.

Anywho, given that hitmen from Imperia were constantly after Haz's hide you could see why the orc was startled.

Hazudar wasn't about to let Ken piss in his pool party, though, and immediately declared: "Hazudar Unnecessarily Flashy Risin' Handspring!" For a moment, it just looked like the orc was gonna do a backwards somersault: scrunching his body up so his knees touched his chest, lower back rolling up off the ground, whilst his claws went near his ears and braced with their fingers bent backwards against the street.

"HNNNG!" With a grunt of effort, Haz sprung out of his coiled position, kicking his legs up with enough force to draw up the rest of his body even as his hands pushed off against the ground. He ended up standing tall with his feet on the pavement, claws planted at his hips and a smirk on his arrogant mug.

"How th' feth else d'ya expeck me ta get away from da cops, Ken? Dis cramped lil' isle ain't got many places fer a big stinkin' orc to hide, y'know?" Haz said by way of greeting.

"Look kid, I may be half behemoth, but I been thievin', skulkin' around, outrunnin' angry mobs an' sexin' up wenches in a wild variety of positions enough ter stay limber -- see?" With a grimace, the orc bent backwards and pushed his claws against his lower back, cracking a few kinks out of his spine. "Anyway, it ain't juss about bein' flexible. Gotsta have strength and coordination, me boyo. Acrobatics ain't juss fer chicks anymore!"

"But set all dat aside, Ken. Ain'tcha never have those dreams where yers flying? Flyin' and soarin' over da heads o' ordinary chumps like deez --" Hazudar hooked a thumb at the scattering of spectators who were still staring at the orc like the walking freakshow he was. "Cause they just ain't got tha BALLS ter let go an' embrace freedom! Dat's da feelin' I'm lookin' for!"

"Why don't you just keep chewing your kero kud then, orc?" some critic in the audience spat.

Hazudar grinned on, oblivious.
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Old July 29, 2010, 01:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Gaah! Indeed.

"My dream's none of your business!" Ken murmured, looking slightly away, his elfy cheeks taking a sudden shade of pink that seem to spread to the tip of his elfy ears.

Oooh, yes the half elf was embarassed... by..!?

The dream thing?

Or was it, regardless of what he just said earlier, it was *he* who was feeling ashamed at the mere sight of Hazudar's ungraceful gymnastics, and wasn't at all comfortable letting the whole Secyclion know he was associating himself with this embarrasing half orc.

"Wokay that's enough! We're going somewhere where nobody will see us. Somewhere where we can do your stretches and sexin up without people watching," and Ken stomped over to Haz, and...

Right this is one of those situations where the "3-yard-rule" can be overriden, this here.

The half elf planted both hands behind the green brute's back and proceeded to push, or tried to, towards maybe some darkened alley somewhere. "By the way you broke Robarthes's nose you big lump of goon, and more furniture! We're gonna have to talk, me and you!" he hissed before turning to Mr. Critic with the fakest smile ever, "Big guy here is a little not right in the head. Now if you'll excuse us.... we're gonna go fetch his medicine!" and he huffed and puffed and pushed the big half orc down the street, and if damn Haz refused to move he will.... well he will....

Seeing the position he was in, being behind the big greenie and all that... he would slap the half orc's backside. Oh feth yes, that will be the lubricant of cooperation alright.
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Old August 16, 2010, 07:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hazudar didn't want none of Ken's lube of cooperation anywhere near his backside, thank you very much. Fortunately for the orc, he wasn't putting up much resistance at all to the half-elf's... uhh... poking, prodding and shoving, and therefore was spared any further indignities at the admittedly soft and supple hands of Kenkuroi.

"Medicine, huh Kenkuro? Ya mean ya got some bloodcandy or somepin'? Look man, you'se ain't gettin' what I'm sayin'. I'm sayin' we needs ta REALLY fly, y'know? Like, widout da drugs fer once." Nevertheless, the brute let himself be ushered along towards the nearest dark alley. Nothing weird about him and his drinking bud/roommate/heterosexual life partner wanting a little privacy, right? Right?

"Ya really gotta loosen up dat sphyncter, Ken. Can't be flexible when yer all tight an' stiff like dat. Here, ya want a shoulder rub?" Hazudar asked thoughtfully, doubtless getting his bosom friend's hopes up before crushing them with a flat: "Well, too fethin' bad. Seriously, what gives, Ken? Can't perform in front of an audience?"

"Me, I dun have dat problem."

With a swaggery smirk, Haz turned his beady eyes upon a random homeless guy sprawled out and dozing just inside the mouth of the alley, sizing the raggedy figure up. His muscles rippled with tension (and when the orc's muscles rippled, one could feel it from 5 yards away) as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, his ugly mug falling into that stupidly confident grin it got whenever he was about to do something impressive.

"Watch me clear dis hobo! Hazuflip!" With surprisingly nimble steps for his size, the orcish would-be acrobat tore off in the direction of the unsuspecting human obstacle. Once a pace away, the brute planted both feet down, bending his knees and raising his arms over his head, turning his entire frame into one quivering lump of potential energy, all ready to explode in a perfectly executed, hobo-clearing frontal flip.

And here it came: springing forward into the air, Haz drew his knees up and his arms in, driving his head forward into the momentum of the flip, transforming himself into a giant green cannonball spinning in midair. Only once his feet were facing the ground once more did the orc untuck himself, planting his feet squarely beneath him and bending with the impact.

"TADA!" Haz shouted, grinning back at Ken, not even noticing the agonized gasps floating up from the squishy Secyclid he'd accidently landed ON instead of over. Oops!
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Old August 25, 2010, 06:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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"Aye aye..." Ken grunted, as he maneuvered his green partner out of sight from the spectators. It was followed by a big sigh, and inaudible mumblings of how he had befriended Hazudar for his obvious skills and expertise, and later as a housemate to act as bodyguard (by now the boy had learned the word 'guard' was somewhat taboo to ol' Haz and had made some effort to avoid its usage in front of the half orc's general presence despite the fact he still thought of him as one), but instead found himself liking to babysitting a green oversized trouble-making 'toddler' and after he thought he was finally done babysitting having retired from his old job with Lyr Tlansson too.

"I'll loosen up alright, after you explain to me why the feth did you hit on Rob? Now I've got to pay for the damages and the medical expenses all because of you, you idiot! And that's gonna eat into our company's profits! And for Phedos's sake stop trying to prance around like an elf! You look... you look..." Ken paused, as he imagined scenes of Hazudar doing Olympic class back flips, tucks and whatnots, gracefully with like... a twirl of ribbon here and there in time with some classy music - urgh! He could imagine elves doing that in their free time. Not so with an orc, or someone with orc blood. Somehow he thought them suiting more to the brutish smash-everything-with-a-big-blunt-weapon type of image.

"You look like a big green gorilla thingy jumping everywhere. Dude, you suck!" Ken finished at last, but had Haz even heard a single word he say? "Haz? Hey are you listening?" he echoed the question out aloud. But who are you kidding? Of course Haz wasn't listening. Instead the half orc had gone and go squished a hobo with such horrible landing that Ken there and then, swore he would never ever fly in an air ship with Haz at the helm even if he was to be given a lifetime supply of free tobacco - well, actually he just might take on such an offer....

"GAH!!! YOU FOOL! YOU KILLED HIM!!" Ken yelped loudly... perhaps a little too loudly. This might be the backstreets and all, but the world just might know murder has just been committed in broad daylight with such vocal announcement.

The lest-then-pleased, and not at all impressed half elf stomped over to the grinning goon and his landing 'mat', roughly pushing Haz away as he reached down to check if the hobo's bucket wasn't as cracked as his spine yet, or had he really kicked it.
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Old September 1, 2010, 01:52 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Such were the hostile murmurs arising amid the modest sized crowd, who'd never really stopped following the dynamic duo around and gaping at their antics. Haz's amateur acrobat show had kept them all distracted for a time, but now his tricks were starting to get old, which meant the islanders were starting to get bored... which meant awakening from their collective stupor and remembering that they did, in fact, hate Hazudar's guts. Needless to say, the star of the half-assed performance wasn't the most popular orc on the isle... not that any of the greenies were particularly well-liked to begin with.

As for Ken, well, he was guilty by association.

"Markalin's manhood... I'm gonna be crippled for life... thank you, thank you so much! This'll make beggin' for a livin' much easier! Um -- speakin' of which, either o' you kyrios got any spare silver?" the hobo just barely managed to groan out, smiling in spite of the tears of agony streaming from his eyes and the fact that his spinal column had just been bent in on itself like a folding chair. With difficulty, he lifted one trembling, greasy hand and extended a stone mug hopefully in Ken's direction.

"Forget th' bum, Kenny! We'se about ter get bum-rushed ourselves! Let's vamoose!" Hazudar meanwhile urged, tugging his roomie's sleeve and gesticulating wildly in the direction of the nearby alley. The crowd -- now a bona fide mob numbering somewhere around a dozen pissed off Secyclids armed with rocks, empty ale bottles and other objects with which to dispense some serious street justice -- wasn't leaving the two troublemakers much other choice in terms of escape routes as it closed in.

"Easy ya'll! Show's over! Yew berks can all head home now! Time ter exit stage alleyway, Ken." Yet, rather than roses, a few bottles were all that fell at Hazudar's feet. Grinning nervously, the orcish entertainer began backing away, all but forcing Kenkuroi to follow him via a few good firm tugs on the half-elf's spindly arm. "Sorry, no encore dis time!"

As the narrow walls of the alley closed around and the mob pressed in, a hail of stones flew by, one grazing the half-orc's ear... yet his big cheery grin didn't abate in the slightest. Escaping from angry mobs was what Hazudars did best, after all. Just had to keep backing away, get to the other end of this alley and then...

Uh oh. Waitaminute. Was that a dead end Haz spied, from the corner of his beady eye? Well, maybe, but then again maybe not! Set about eleven feet up in one side-wall of the alley, all the way near the back, was one of those glassless windows... just high enough so as to be nearly impossible to reach, unless...

"Ok ok, folks! One last trick! I calls dis one: GREENSKIN GETAWAY -- Hazu-wall kick!" Hazudar boomed at the natives, his slick half-orc charisma and theatrics causing most of them to lower their weapons, transformed -- for that one critical moment at least -- back into slack jawed audience members.

This was either gonna work... or this agility training session was going to turn into some far less enjoyable endurance training, Hazudar thought with a wince, as he turned and raced straight into the corner of almost-no-escape.

As he sprang into the air off his right foot, the big ape of an orc extended his left at a bit lower than waist level, aiming to meet the rough surface of the back wall with knee somewhat bent. Making contact with the wall, his stout beefy leg compressed momentarily with the impact... and then Haz kicked off at an upward angle, pushing himself in the direction of the beckoning window with all his might. Twisting his torso midair, the orc flung both claws up, looking to grab the window ledge...

Success!

"Suckers!!" Hazudar shouted gaily, as he grunted, heaved, and with a single mighty effort..... failed to pull himself up. Aw crap! Seemed the greenie's grip on the ledge wasn't quite good enough.

"Ken! Lil help here?!" Haz squealed in a panic, arse wiggling and legs scrabbling uselessly and embarassingly against the wall, as he felt his clawtips beginning to slip...! Alas, this was the beginning of the end, unless Kenkuroi was willing to actually touch the half-orc's slimy, smelly feet in order to help push him up. It'd be worth it, though, eh? Cause then Hazudar would surely return the favor and help pull his half-elfin compadre up and out of harm's way... right?

Well, assuming Ken had moves of his own to get up to the level of the window ledge. Vyssie assassins had a saying amongst themselves went a lil something like: 'White elves can't jump.' Seemed now was the time to prove 'em all wrong!
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Old September 5, 2010, 01:10 PM   #10 (permalink)
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"Errr... you're welcome?" the beggar's response kind off stupefied Ken. But well, the hobo did have a point - begging is much easier when you're a real cripple. So guess, in some kind of way, this was not crime but good community service? Still, this felt like... so wrong in so many ways. The crowd, obviously having heard the commotion wasn't begging to differ either. And to release some of the guilt, Ken placed into the beggar's mug, not miserable trickles of silver, or some pathetic change of coppers, but a couple of gold crowns, and he would have given more if Haz wasn't immediately dragging him away.

"This time this is YOUR fault!! All YOUR fault! You are fething trouble!! And I was gonna lecture you 'bout that!" Ken hissed angrily, accentuating on the 'your' as emphasis that everything was always Hazudar's fault! Yes sir! Never his! Like that one time, in the Agora, if Haz didn't present him that wristbolt, their shopping trip wouldn't get interrupted and nobody would needlessly receive an accidental bolt in their ass.

Off they ran, half orc and half elf, right into an alley with a dead end. And Hazudar just had to yet again go announce loudly, supposedly the name of whatever action he was about to do. Ken couldn't help blush. Seriously, this was fething embarrassing. And he had about in mind to go tell Haz off about his lame skillname shouting act. Honestly, if his green roomie was going to insist on doing so, can't he at least think of better names? Or maybe the same but in orkish, or elvish, or Imperial, or best yet, Kemite, cuz it's like general knowledge everything sounds cooler when it's not Common-speak.

While the green one opted for the fancy stunt route, the pointy ear actually took the liberty to gaze around and dragged one of those discarded box/crate/barrel/trashbin that's usually found in alleyways, and placed it beneath the window. Of course that wasn't going to be enough to reach some 11 feet window, he would need to pile higher but there won't be enough time or maybe even materials for that. At the very least, it helped Haz greatly as he indeed would find support, not just the feet-touching-something-solid type, but one that provided leverage sufficient enough coming from Ken's not very broad shoulders.

It was very brief.

The half elf surely wasn't strong enough to prolonge hoisting half of the orc's weight on his shoulders. Besides, the makeshift platform probably wasn't that sturdy either. After that initial boost, it will all be up to Haz to make or break it. As for his elfy mate? Nah, no worries mate, Ken might have stumbled to his knees after the assistance, but -- white elves can't jump eh? Which poser did Haz heard that from?! If anything it's the white elves who freaking jump around like squirrels, tree huggers they were. Darkies don't get to jump much if they're gonna bunch up in silly holes.

And jump Ken did, springing off from the balls of his feet towards the window ledge. He might be shorter that Haz, but unlike Haz, he did not need pull off a stunt to jump that high. Maybe it was because he was light. Or the fact he had great legs? Or maybe all that Pilbolas playing finally paid off? Feth Haz should come watch him play one of these days. He had deadly jumping header skills the likes of Carles Puyol crashing Germany out in the WC2010 semis and making Paul the Octopus sucha badass @!$#%@& pimpz. But sure, Ken might have all the lower body strength to back up that jump, prob is, he didn't quite have the upper body strength to finish the job.

"I... think I need some help," he grunted as he struggled, arms shaking, the ledge at chest height already but can't seem to pull the rest of his body higher. Did Haz managed to pull through already? Or they both gonna end up hanging from a window ledge, with their wriggling butts ripe for some serious punishment, angry mob style.
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Old September 14, 2010, 11:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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"Waitaminute! Hazudar and Kenkuroi are gettin' away! AGAIN!"

"Bloody hell! That's like, the third time this month!" a pair of slightly-smarter-than-average rubes in the mob shouted exasperatedly -- and with that, the trance which the hive mind had lapsed into seemed to shatter all at once. Instantly the air was filled with the angry rabble-rabble of a dozen native voices raised in united hostility... along with a renewed hail of stones, bricks, tomatoes, throwing knives, and whatever else seemed good for pelting a half-elf's defenseless backside.

Fortunately, Haz had elected NOT to pull any of the devious pranks which sprung to mind... such as crouching just below the sill and letting Ken think he'd left without him, or playing 'this little piggy went to market' with his bud's struggling fingers. Nevertheless, the orc's face wore a delightfully amused grin as it leered out of the window, his big gangly orcish arms reaching out to grip his partner's wrists.

"Upsie daisy, pally!" Haz grunted cheerfully, as a smattering of empty bottles, alchemical grenades and the like smashed against the wall mere inches from Ken's hapless form. Hastily, and without further ado, the orc yanked the half-elf up with such force that Ken'd end up FLYING over Haz's falling form, face first onto the floor. Which was, as it happened, a dingy, somewhat dusty, hardwood floor... emphasis on the hard. Clearly, there was only one graceful landing option here. Kenkuroi had to literally roll with the blow!

Meantime: "T. Badass Bounce-Back! Lightnin' quick getup!" the orc murmured from his sitting position, having thrown so much weight into hoisting up Ken that he'd ended up sprawled back on his hindquarters. Planting one claw against the floor and raising his body in a sort of reverse one-arm push up, Haz pushed up so hard that he ended up all the way back on his feet; an impressive display of strength and bodily control.

After a few moments spent congratulating himself on inventing yet another cool signature move, the orc finally took a look around... and his eyes goggled. Lining the dimly lit interior of the room were boxes upon crates upon barrels of sweet, fragrant, hi-grade kero.

"Looks like we stumbled on some sorta safehouse! An' here I thought our luck was shi--" Hazudar began grinning at Ken -- when suddenly a crossbolt thwocked into a crate just over his head, missing by less than a hair, as at least a few of the orc's spiney hairs had been shredded by the shot.

"Arrr! Thar be thieves among the cargo!" a patch-eyed, crossbow-toting pirate cried from the doorway which had just swung open... almost instantly, several bow-legged sets of feet began rushing up the stairs behind him.

Fortunately, another nearby doorway led to a second set of stairs, this one going up. "C'mon!" Haz shouted at Ken, already disappearing into the stairwell, which, as luck would have it, opened onto the roof of the place. The light, unobfuscated by buildings was dazzling up here... only they didn't have time to be dazzled.

"See what ya got us into?!" the orc roared fearfully at the half-elf, eyes wild. "NOW whadda we do?!"

There weren't many escape routes from this height that didn't involve snapping an ankle. Though there WAS a somewhat shorter building maybe 15 feet across and 10 feet down from the far lip of their current rooftop. One would need to be some sort of basic level acrobat, or at least, have the confidence of one to make a leap like that and not sprain anything, though! Cat-landing, rolling land, miss the edge and bonk their heads on the wall before falling to their doom... which would it be?!

Meanwhile, the angry-sounding, heavily-armed-sounding sets of bootheels were getting closer, and unfortunately, there wasn't any door to slam and bar on the advancing smugglers in order to gain time. Haz and Ken had maybe five seconds...!
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Old September 15, 2010, 10:57 AM   #12 (permalink)
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"Wha-? Who's calling my name in these parts?" Ken gasped, trying to turn around to gaze at whoever was that shouting person. Wow! How come they knew his name? Wow! He's famous now? Wow! That's... CRAP!

He squirmed more as he felt something hard and unpleasant bounce of a cheek, and something wet and unpleasant landing squarely between those supple cheeks with a splat, and then something sharp and unpleasant landing with a dull thud between his legs, just centimeters away from the seam of his trousers, its pointed end imbedding itself within the wall in a less than pleasant manner.

"Aww! Damnit! Yikes! HAZ!! I'm one inch away from being an eunuch here!!" Ken cried out, sweat forming on his forehead. Feth! Whoever threw that knife was taking aim again... his balls could feel it! Feth the half orc if he decided to fool around now!

Well, thank the gods he did not! He grimaced as he felt Haz's strong grip clamped down on his wrists and up he went! Damn Haz sure had his orkish strength alright, and he now feel himself flying through the open window, flying past his green buddy, and flying right onto the floor! In that split second, out of sheer instinct, Ken had tucked his chin in, hands stretched partially, palms downwards as he used them to catch his fall, distributing his weight to his shoulders than back. Now if he wanted to name this move like Haz was naming each and every one of his, he would call this - front roll - catchy, yes? And roll like a Katamari ball he did, right into a crate of Kero powder.

"This is..." Ken, who was covered head to toe in the white substance, was licking a finger, tasting the powder.. "Hey! This is Kero!!" he exclaimed excitedly, and proceeded to snort them right off his bod, starting with his right arm.

The pirates/smugglers sudden interruption was probably a good thing. Else Ken might lose his self-restrain after having clean off an entire arm, and go continue with the rest of his body. If that happens, by the end of the brightening Haz was gonna have to carry the bodybag of an ODed half elf.

He followed the half orc into the stairwell, and up onto the roof. And by this time was wearing a cocky grin on his face as he stared dumbly at whatever Haz was referring too, as if there was nothing wrong at all with a 15 feet width, 10 feet height difference, escape route. Guess what? The Kero effects were already working their charm. Any moment now, Kenkuroi Morendil Mithania will shed his usual uppity, uptightness. Haz wanted him to loosen dat sphyncter eh? Feth, he will be all loosen alright - he will be loose like a cheap whore and going all hardcore - as he always did when high on Kero (oh **** yeah that rhymes!)

"We do this... wooosh!" Ken answered in a monotonous tone, wrapping an arm around Haz's shoulders, while with the other hand he made a slow wooshing gesture, complete with the sound effect. Before Haz could ask questions (if he did not understand), or make rejections (if he did understand and did not like the idea), Ken had sprang forward and leapt off the edge of the roof towards that 15 by 10 landing zone....

Well, he already proved he was a great jumper, a real natural. And now he was jumping while on high, surely with such a word as 'high' in there, he was going to soar to even greater heights! And nothing goes wrong while on high! Except of course, Murphy's Law was foolproof so just in case, he should make sure he like... land on the balls of his feet, bend those knees on impact, roll around bit, just like those pros do it!
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Old September 27, 2010, 09:13 AM   #13 (permalink)
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"We do... what? WOOSH? Woosh ain't even a plan!" the orc cried in consternation. Following an utterly stoned Kenkuroi in a death-defying stunt didn't seem like the best course of action to Haz. Still, what else were they gonna do? FIGHT their way out?

Hey, that was actually a pretty good idea. Wasn't Hazudar supposed to be a master brawler or something?

Alas, this thought didn't really occur to the orc until he was already in the air. For a lone, eternal moment of glory, the duo hung suspended in time and space, like Thelma and Louise in that final scene where the car shoots off the cliff...

We'se gonna make it! the half-orc thought gleefully as his massive girth soared majestically over the gap amid a hail of pirates' crossbolts. We'se gonna make it we'se gonna make it we'se... He was really doing it! He was flying! He was... he was... he was losing height?!

"CRAP! I'M NOT GONNA MAKE--" was all Haz had time to say. His head bonked against the wall, his desperately scrabbling claws missed the lip, and he fell... to his doom. A wordless shout of horror echoed up from the alley into which the orc plunged... and which Ken had in all likelihood cleared, what with his light weight, Pilbolas strengthened legs and Kero-fortified elfin grace.

Needless to say... Hazudar the clumsy, brutish half-orc died in that long, terrible fall.



...and Hazudar the Acrobat was born!!!

Unfortunately, the force of hitting the wall had sent Haz reeling backwards in midair, so that now his back was facing the ground that was hurtling up to meet him. Turning head over heels, a glimpse of Eunesian sky would be the orc's final vision on this unforgiving Material Plane. Helpless, he tumbled in the rushing air, his face twisted gruesomely in an expression of mortal fear...

Which became a cool, Hazudarian smirk as the orc landed, katta-like, on his hands and the balls of his feet. For a moment, Haz simply maintained the awesome-looking cat-landing pose; motionless save for his head, which was slowly and dramatically rearing up.

"Kickass Katta-Landing! (tm) HA! Yew thought I'd die DAT easy?!" growled out of the orc's wildly grinning lips, as his intense gaze locked on... well... the street was empty, but damned if a line like that was gonna go to waste.

Straightening up, Haz shook the tension out of the muscles of his arms and legs, which'd absorbed most of the shock of impact. His forehead was a lil bruised too from where it'd smacked the wall; still nothing a half-orc couldn't shake off.

"KEN! Hang on, I'm comin' up!" Haz roared up at the rooftops. Smashing a door in with a raging half-orc punch, he disappeared into the lowest floor of the building Ken was likely perched upon. Good thing, too, cause the door on THAT roof was barred from the inside, and the pirates, with no more Haz to shoot at, would be focusing their potshots solely on the other kero-thief.

Time for some TUMBLING to avoid those nasty bolts!
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Old October 6, 2010, 03:34 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Ooops! His bad!

Of course Kenkuroi cleared this easily, landing in such a way that suggested that he had some experience in this. Probably he should have told Hazudar that... when he was a young boy, his mother, borrows a lot of money, and thus they had to run away! Well, he did tell Haz he constantly travelled around right? He never stayed in place for long right? Mama's a rolling stone, she goes around looking for duels for the sake of proving she was the strongest right?

What he perhaps forgot to mention too, that mama was a rolling stone because she doesn't have a job, couldn't be fethed getting a job, was a compulsive gambler (technically she's gambling her life already) and thus always getting into heavy debts - and when crap hits the fan, when even pure brute force could no longer work what with the Imperial bank summoning court summons, or loan sharks actually resorting to the law (with bribery of course) since she almost couldn't be touched personally as she kicked too much ass, her best course of solution is to flee! Yup, Ken practically spent time in his childhood, sneaking over rooftops in the middle of the night with his mom, trying to escape the city undetected.

Like mother like son eh? Kinda explains the whole reason why Ken also runs away from responsibilities (he left his House and his betrothed back in Syl'rosya, not to mention how he wants to run the gig here, but delegates all the responsibilities to poor Haz) and yeah, he's borrowing from loan sharks and not paying back either! Apples don't fall far from their tree indeed.

"Ta-da!" Kero-crazed Ken beamed as he picked himself up and turned around to face... "See, woosh is a pla- hey, what did ya go?" Ken frowned upon noticing that Haz wasn't beside him. "Haz?" he peered over the edge, in time to see a still in one piece greenie disappear into a doorway below.

Thunk!

Came the obscene sound of a bolt lodging itself just mere inches away from his foot. Ken looked up only to see a bunch of Jolly-Rogering-Swaggers in the process of reloading, taking aim and - FIRE! Ken didn't even bother to think. He just flung himself to the ground, throwing his hands than body sidewards and into what could resemble a cartwheel, and quickly followed up with a back handspring, landing with his two feet firmly planted together, yet facing off the direction he just came from, in time to see the bolts and arrows imbedding itself where he stood mere moments ago? Ken cursed and swore as he quickly tried to find a place, any place to take cover.

Aha! A door! And Ken sprang towards it hearing the thuds of more of those death projectiles hitting home at his shadow, even swore he felt the tips of his red hair getting parted by one... he launched his full weight at the door and - "AWW!" Ken hollered as he bounced off it, with yet another bolt whizzing past where he just stood. Talk about fluke!

But the damn door was locked? From the inside!? Talk about his bad luck!

He turned to see the pirates reloading once more, taking aim and.... Ken stood defiantly, staring all of them down. "You mofos think you can take me down eh?!" he yelled. "Feth you all! I can stop bolts!" That must be the kero talking. And Ken proceeded to stand ever so gallantly, with the cool Neo-I-can-stop-bullets posse, truly in his kero-brazen stupor believed that he indeed can stop those bolts with his a mere extension of his hand....

WHERE IS HAZ WHEN YOU NEED HIM BRAH!
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Old October 12, 2010, 11:51 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Not practicing his lockpicking, that was for sure.

"Dynamic Entry! Orkish Open Sesame!" came Haz's muffled catchphrase shout from behind the door. Really, being a door in the same general vicinity as Hazudar was altogether a crappy job. One balled up half-orc fist sent the poor thing flying off its hinges so hard that it actually glided magically a few feet in the air before smacking onto the rooftop. Needless to say, Hazudar came barreling in right behind it, beady eyes searching frantically for his main man.

Instead, said eyes caught only the glint of a fresh volley of bolts, screaming for vengeance as they glided in.

Eyes bulging in fear, the brute instantly threw himself to one side, like he was going for a graceful Kenkuroi-style cartwheel, except that Haz had neither the time, the inclination, nor the taut gymnast bod to pull off such a move. A simple combat roll would suit the roly-poly 300 lbs. orc much better, and so, as his body rotated mid air perpendicular to the incoming volley, Haz merely tucked in his arms and head, so that he ended up rolling along the ground on his burly back and shoulders.

Actually, come to think of it, the 'ground' he was rolling along felt kind of soft, squishy and... Kenkuroi-like? With no time to look where he was throwing his weight, Haz seemed to have rolled right into his fellow amateur acrobat... probably a good thing, seeing as how his Kero snorting comrade had been standing there acting like some planetar's Chosen One. Which had to be a drug-fueled delusion, as Haz never even saw Kenk go to church on Lunarias, or say his prayers before passing out.

"C'mon!!" Haz shouted, as he hastily attempted to extricate himself from the strictly no-homo sweaty tangle of limbs he and his partner were making. "Th' door, let's go!!" Yet before they could slip back down the way Haz'd come in, a lot of heavy, tramping bootfalls echoed up from the stairwell, and soon enough a half dozen more pirates were pouring onto the rooftop, this time relying on their trusty scitimars, seeing as how ranged weapons seemed to have about zero effect on the dodge-happy half-orc half-elf dynamic duo.

"Crap Ken! Thar's only one way out! And dat's down!" Haz hissed frantically, as the ring of piratey swords began to close around he and his pard. Backing cautiously towards the ledge, the orc took a moment to peer down over his shoulder. Chosen Ones or no, it seemed the gods were smiling on the dirty pair today... well, actually, the whole pirate encounter had been a stroke of awful luck in the first place, so maybe the gods were just bipolar... but regardless! Fortunately for them, a particularly ripe-smelling city trash collecting cart happened to be passing by at just that moment, crammed with lots of squishy, smelly garbage just perfect for landing in.

Not the cleanest getaway he'd ever made, but then, Haz'd been known to dive into rubbish heaps for far lower stakes, like a half eaten sandwich. Hey, he even thought he spotted one of those down there now!

"Catch ya on the... FLIPSIDE, berks!" the orc grinned at the advancing horde, and then -- rather than just turning around and jumping the roof off like an even slightly sane person would, chose the more Hazudar-like action, and backflipped up and over the guardrail behind him. The concept was much like a front flip, except get this, IN REVERSE! ... a strong thrust from both his squatting, stubby legs to propel his beautiful green bod into the air, thrusting his elbows up for added impetus; then, once in the air Haz would curl his abs inward, pulling his lower body into a spin.

Unlike the last flip, though, this time the orc's apeish arms would shoot outward mid spin, giving him less rotational speed but slightly more control over his landing. The lights of the rapidly darkening city rushing by as Haz plunged down, down from his two story height, at last landing feet-first in the miniature mountain of soiled loincloths, rotting hoagies from Greasy Galileo's Gyro Shack, discarded sheepskin prophylactics and so forth. A moment later, his grinning, even-filthier-than-before head popped gopher-like out of the heap and looked back up... stupidly, I might add, cause that was probably right around when Ken's skinny, jagged bum was going to be crashing down on top of it.
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