[Gossamer]

Today I gave my office a small face lift. Haywire was complaining that it was outdated and sad. I agreed. Besides, there's a lot going on with me right now, and I figured what better place than an office to ramble on about them. I'm not done however, I seriously need to update my thread list and start doing some public plotting for Zinn'Sunn. In the next few days and weeks, I'll be posting some of the things I've had cooking for a while. That includes kicking out some writeups that I've been sitting on. I fell into that age old trap of having too many going at once and not being able to focus on a single one to get it done.

Besides, I need to throw myself into some productive work of some sort to get my mind off things. I've been out of it for a couple of months, exclusively focusing on some GD stuff and being off and on sick in real life for that entire time. You know, for someone like me thats absolutely never sick, I think I got a whole new perspective. My idea of being down and out is usually limited to breaking something doing something stupid, like having one of my draft horses dance on a foot or picking up a really big hammer and saying "Yea! I can fix that!" which results in stitches (I prefer super glue to visiting the doctor) and a lot of laughter. I can't remember the last time I had a cold, the flu, a simple headache, or felt depressed. I'm the one that goes and takes care of the sick folk and cheers my friends who are down. But this last two months were crazy, sickening, depressing etc... I was tired ALL time. Not just tired, but bone weary.

Then I was ecstatic, thrilled, crowing each and every day. Yea, folks can glow. It's possible. Then I was in the hospital and feeling like my life was destroyed. I'm better now... a lot better. It was just a bump in the road right? I'm surprised though, about this horrible sickening club I'm sort of a member of now. I just today opened a card sent from across the mountains. I put in a call to the HQ there for work, because I needed some stuff for security clearances with this Highway Watch program I'm helping my company promote for both WSP and WSDOT in conjunction with Homeland Security. And in about two minutes of conversation... it went sorta like 'We heard! Grats!' in which I had to explain the whole horrible thing... and broke down in tears. Anyhow, the girls in the office sent me a beautiful hand-made card filled with love... All of them had these 'we know what your going thorough' type messages. I can tell. They'd been there, done that... walked away with the pain too. Sucks sometimes. I kept trying to get them off the topic and back on the topic of getting me my munitions certifications & clearances to back up my application for a senior trainer for the program. Its a good one. I love anything that allows me to help protect the nation and tone down terrorism. I have lots of time for that now I'm hossling. Eventually I want to get away from the trucking all together and move into the safety and regs departments for my work. I think if I'd relocate to HQ (which I have no desire too atm) I'd be able to make that leap now. Being involved in the Driver's Council and Safety committee has been great for me the last two years. I've really enjoyed things that happened there, and helping to keep the company absolutely current. But I digress...

These last few months have been really odd ones. It started in December where my horse farm on a hill flooded out with a Japanese Typhon that came screaming down the pineapple express. Very sad. The community is just now recovering. Then this happened. If I have one more friend call me and say 'It's meant to be... its for the best' I might strangle them. I feel like I could possibly get out of jail time for it too. One of my buddies wives called to tell me that because I have cats, that was the reason for the whole thing. Sure, I'd been aware of Toxoplasmosus and knew its risks... but she really screwed with my head. I mean... I don't just have two.. I have well over ten. I got off the phone with her, then turned around and called my provider and talked to her for a long long time. Turns out, if you've had them for years, odds are you are immune. 15% of women in the US are immune to the disease or carry antibodies. Thats 15% of the total women in the states. Thats about exactly how many of these gals that own cats. When I told my provider I had well over ten, they were indoors, and their outdoors were supervised... and that I was yes indeed a huge gardener... she laughed and told me I was being silly. That there was probably 0 chance I'd never been exposed and developed the antibodies. She'd bet her right ... well anyhow she said she'd very surprised if I wasn't immune but she'd give me a blood test anyhow to clear my mind. That friend (well actually it was her mom whom I've looked to like a second mom) is still on my list though, and I'm gonna have it out with her next time I see her face to face.

Life... is such a pain sometimes. I mean, I love mine. I'm in a good job, have a great marriage, adore my family (both the human and furry ones), and just get such a kick out of it most of the time... I guess I have to go through these sorts of things to keep it real though. Not that I wouldn't change it if I could. I definitely would. I'm not good at heartbreak. I'm good at 'buck up' and 'put up or shut up' and even better at 'we done whining yet?' I always claim nothing ever goes wrong in my life because I don't allow it too. I always thought somehow when you hit your thirties, life was sorta on the decline and that attitude wouldn't wash well. I was wrong. No one could pay me enough money to go back to my twenties... I love being where I am now, how I am, and though I'm trying to make improvements (exercise more, take martial arts, get my butt in the saddle now that its stopped raining and I've stopped feeling run over by a car, get out and paint now that the garden is planted.. .whoot!) .... its still great even if it never changes from just now. I think it was that attitude that finally got it progressing. They say when you finally find contentment thats when life throws you a loop and all that you'd given up hoping for starts happening.

I think its true. I really do. All this hasn't changed that feeling in me. Live the dream and be happy with what you have. Not just 'its okay'... but really enjoy it. I think thats what real life is about... not all the sorrow, the pain, the omg poor me folks out there. And even though we had a loss... a big one for us. We planted my dahlias, and all the rest of the bulbs... and wow... I mean really wow... I already have six inch sprouts. Life is coming early to the Northwest now that our last snow has finally departed. They skies are blue. The grass is the most brilliant color of green I've seen in ages. Even my horses are out on pastures that are knee high and the most gorgous color of velvet emerald.

Thats worth something to me. A whole lot in fact. And even though I might cry once in a while, the vast majority of the time I'm smiling.